Melting. It’s what a chocolate bar does when left in the sun. It’s what ice does once brought out of the freezer. It’s also what happens on occasion to me. That occasion happened yesterday.

I don’t know who took the ice out of the freezer but I melted just like it into a puddle of tears.

It was one of those wave pools of emotion that ushered in a sadness so deep I couldn’t rise above it. The bell sounded and tears that I held back and held back called over their friends and together they rose and let loose.

I couldn’t even pinpoint the source to my sadness. Was it because I’m here in Texas doing my normal day while my close friends are in Kenya – that place I yearn to be but couldn’t make it there this time?

I don’t know. Or, was it just daily frustrations – the usual sharp shells you expect to step on at the beach, yet walk barefoot anyway? Or, maybe a combination of the two. Either way, this wave that crashed over me hit hard.

Life has opened a new stage for me. While I welcome the independence it brings, there’s still a twinge of sadness at the stages that have passed and will never be again. Those moments that were so special I want to dump the batteries out of the clocks in hopes of stopping time.

One of those times I want to hold onto is our past mission trips to Kenya. One year ago the Lord asked us to go to Kenya when others said “Not this year”.

This year, He asked us to stay home while others heard “Go”. Adam and I were fine with our decision until the team boarded the plane. Adam said it best, “I feel like I’ve done all the workouts, played the regular season games, and then benched on the first play-off game.”

It’s exciting when the Lord asks me to stand, even if I’m the only one standing. I feel courageous and full of faith.

But, when He asks me to sit while everyone’s standing – even if I’m the only one – that’s not as exciting. It doesn’t sound as brave or faith-full.

I’m asking the Lord to increase that faith. For whether He asks me to “Arise and Go” or “Sit and Wait”, surrender, obedience and abiding in Him are what please Him. May I bring Him glory as I sit in the stands. 

James 1:2-3 “Count it all joy when you meet trials of various kinds for you know the testing of your faith produces steadfastness.”

Did you catch that word of the month? Faith. The testing of my faith. I feel it. I’m telling myself to consider it a joy to be here. Even when I’ve melted all over the chair and the floor and caused my husband to get on his hands and knees and clean it up…again. A joy.

I pray my story touches you and allows God’s realness to flow through this screen to your broken heart.

Thanks for travelling with me today,

~Julie

This post is part of a series called #write31 days. To see the full list of this series, click HERE.

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