So now I’m staring at the answered prayer of a home-school room but instead of arranging desks and study nooks, I’m signing public school enrollment papers, prepping my older child for the STARR placement test, and bringing in my grandfather’s furniture to turn the home-school room into a grandfather suite.
It was a shock to us all.
One evening while I was tucking my daughter in bed, we had the following conversation –
“But mom, what if my home-schooled friends think differently of me now that I’m in public school? What if they don’t want to play with me anymore?”
I had sensed my daughter had been plagued by troubling thoughts for days, but I didn’t know exactly what it was about.
Relieved to know the truth, I pulled her close.
“Baby,” I said, choking on tears myself, “I’ve had some of the same worries. But if your friends only like you because you’re home-schooled, are they really good friends?”
Holding her hand tightly, I went on, “Yes, some may think of us differently, but…look at me…that’s OK. Sometimes things happen to us and we have to make decisions that other people won’t understand. They don’t have to. They aren’t the ones responsible for the decision at the end of the day.”
I wish my words in that moment nixed the uneasy feeling mounting in both our hearts. But it didn’t. I did wonder what other home-schoolers would think of us as we technically went to the other side. Do they think of me as a traitor? Quitter? Slacker? Sinful?
Whether in thought or spoken word, some probably did think one version of those words.
This decision wasn’t easy. It felt a whole lot like trying to make a masterpiece out of the scrap wood piled up in the corner of our newly remodeled room.
I didn’t know yet if it was a long term change of direction or just a time to let the dust settle, but I knew God had released me to do this right now.
My grandfather is one of the 3 most important men in my life, and has been my whole life! Watching him collapse in my house and then dramatically decline daily before my eyes and then everything about my life changing, left me with some symptoms of Post Traumatic Stress Syndrome.
I described my emotions to Adam one day like this: I pictured my life like a square room with 4 pillars holding it up, like a circus tent. Every time I went to put my weight on one of those pillars, the pillar crumbled as I leaned on it, leaving me unbalanced and falling to the floor. And as a result a corner of the room fell in. So a few days later I went and tried to rest my weight on the other pillar, but it did the same thing, which again flung me to the floor. As a result, another section of the room fell in. I did this again with every other pillar, seeking something to support my weight but each time, I fell on the floor.
How do I rest?! I finally cried out to the Lord. Everything I put my weight on, things that are normally steady, are crumbling. I’ve acted like I don’t care, that there’s always another pillar, I’ve been embarrassed that I didn’t see the pillar was faulty, and now I’m just exhausted. Where can I lie down and rest without being thrown to the floor?
I finally figured it out. In Christ alone. This was a time God eliminated every other pillar in my life until I realized the only anchor that won’t crumble is Him.
Job 13:15 says, Though He slay me, yet will I hope in Him.
Though the Lord slay me – though He take away everything precious to me and strip me bare, yet I will hope in Him. Though He yank every pillar up and leave me with nothing…though my friends betray me….though my children who I have taught at home go to school….though we return from Kenya and live here, yet will I hope in Him.
During that six month sabbatical from home-schooling all my kids, God met me in the middle of my pain and confusion. He healed my broken heart, he gave me rest and strengthened my hope in Him. For that I am forever grateful!
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This post is apart of a series called 31 stories of hope for every homeschooler. To read the whole series, click HERE.