I left you today. This arrangement just isn’t working out. You are loud and constant and I feel I am unable to handle the stress and responsibility of you.
I went to play a math game with my daughter and it drove me to tears. Why? Because I feel like a failure. She isn’t where she’s technically supposed to be.
I went to a website that everyone’s raving about, clicked on her grade and our math book is no where near those problems. Which makes me think I’m failing at you.
Unable to defend myself against the onslaught of despair I fled to my bedroom and cried into an innocent shirt draped over the cushion of my couch. I let it all out and that’s when I left you. Again.
I danced through the meadows of last semester with Mrs. Parrish teaching my daughter. I imagined quiet mornings filling up blank journals with words. I questioned again why I keep coming back to you again and again. I keep feeling called to you. But you are so hard!
I decided to suspend school for the remainder of the day and focus on something else. I began cooking and praying about you.
A gentle voice reminded me that He is not displeased at where my daughter is in math. He is not disappointed at my teaching style. He wants my heart fully committed to Him and He wants me to walk out what that looks like to my daughter.
She may be behind based on state mandated testing, but is that the standard before me that I’m striving for? Is that why I chose this path of yours?
No, it’s not. I say it’s not, help me believe it’s not.
When it comes down to actually live that out, I let fear win. My home-schooling road takes a turn that public school does not and I start to compare.
What if I’m wrong?
What if I don’t equip them enough?
But the truth is I will fail at times. I will look different. I will raise kids that look different. I will raise kids that look at the world different. That’s the goal. And that is where it’s hard. It takes everything I have remain here and even then it’s not enough.
Thankfully there is a God who intervenes. He will make it enough because He’s called me to you. He said in Hebrews 13:20, “Now may the God of peace who brought again from the dead our Lord Jesus, the great shepherd of the sheep, by the blood of the eternal covenant, equip you with everything good that you may do his will, working in us that which is pleasing in his sight, through Jesus Christ, to whom be glory forever and ever. Amen.”
Homeschooling, I’m crawling back to you. It takes a different perspective to fulfill you. One that takes courage and fortitude. One that relies on the power of God. Please forgive me for leaving and hold onto me when I want to stray again.
This post is apart of a series called 31 stories of hope for every homeschooler. To see the entire series, click HERE.