It finally all came out last night. The rushing wave of emotions I’d been silently dealing with alone.
The sermon earlier that day had been on expectations. The pastor said, “80% of our expectations are assumed and never expressed.”
I have decided I have expectations even when I say I have none.
I had unrealized expectations about this trip to Kenyaand about what God was doing. I really thought I had some puzzle pieces figured out only to realize, not only do those not fit, half of the pieces I had pieced together don’t fit either!
So there I was – fully enjoying complete satisfaction of my curriculum choice for our first year of homeschooling. I confidently purchased the same program for the following year and walked into summer with a smile. When it was time to start back, we dove into year #2 with grand anticipations.
We didn’t get 3 weeks into that year before I realized, this curriculum is no longer working. I wasn’t happy, my son wasn’t happy and something had to change!
“I don’t like to fly…I may not like the food…it may not like me…I have white skin…I have family HERE!”
“I’ll lead, you just have to follow.”
“OK”
“I won’t lead you somewhere I won’t go too.”
“But sometimes my faith gets tired and my hope seems lost.”
“I know. It’s OK. It’ll be a ride you won’t forget.”
“How long will we stay there?”
“Pack everything.”
“Everything? All of it?”
“Yes. And tell your friends and family you’re following me and you don’t know exactly when you’ll be back.”
“OK”
“And we dance…”
“So pack it all up? In boxes? Bags? Ship it?”
“Don’t worry, I’ll provide all that you need.”
“OK, are you sure?”
“Yes, I’m sure. Just quiet your heart and follow me.”
“Again, I’m not a great dancer.”
“And again, I AM. Will you trust me?
“Yes”
“Look at me Julie – When life spins you around and around – lock eyes with Me. When I spin you around like this and take you to the other side of the world, lock arms with me. I won’t let you go.”
“But what about _____ and ______ and ______?!”
“I love you. I ransomed you. It’s just me and you right now. I gave you joy for mourning. I chose you before the creation of the world to dance with me. I will teach you every step. I will set your feet to dance in my steps.”
“Oh, and we danced….!”
And then He told me to go back home. He provided everything I needed. I thought we might be there to stay. But my home is in His arms. He picked me up and placed me gently back down in Texas. What a dance! What a Dancer!
“It’s nice to know, I’m not alone, when I’m here in Your arms…”
A few weeks ago on my personal Facebook page, I asked the question, “What are some of the ways you ‘escape’ from the craziness of summer days? What helps you clear your head and straighten out your thoughts? A long shower, long walk, good book, early bedtime, date night… truly, what helps you?”
I received many answers from anything by myself, to a walk outside, dinner with a friend, dressing up even if it’s just to stay home to laughing or putting the kids to bed later so they will (hopefully) sleep in. I really enjoyed this little interaction with my on-line community and it gave me an idea…
Sometimes motherhood wakes me up with smiles and kisses surrounding my face. Other days, I awaken and face tasks much too hard for this only child to tackle. This would be one of those days…
The day started with me desperately trying to talk myself out of driving 60 miles to get groceries at the nearest Costco. “Are the savings really worth my morning?” I pondered.
Doing some quick math confirmed, yes, they were.
To the utmost delight of my children, we slipped on our shoes and slid open the doors to pile in our minivan ready to conquer the aisles and bring home the bacon.
Actually, I’m pretty sure I had to remind each of my children that they weren’t alone in their “I don’t want to go” statements. I didn’t want to go either. But I do like to eat. And, I am always thankful on the back-end for a pantry stocked with supplies for dinner.
This Kenya trip has actually been a string of one dashed plan after another. What little expectations I had have crashed like a tower of falling dominoes.
Waking up to enjoying the sunrise turned into waking up to see who would throw themselves at the porcelain throne next.
A violent and unmerciful stomach virus made its first appearance four measly days after our arrival. Just after our bodies began to shed their jet lagged coating and embrace life 8 hours ahead of American time.
That I would want to try every curriculum out there
I would re-arrange my house 37 different ways
I would think about it constantly
I would doubt myself
That I could truly grow to love it.
I started this journey when my oldest child was in 1st grade. He’d gone to a local private school for Kindergarten that he loved – but I didn’t love what it was doing to our family dynamics. My already strong-willed child came home from school only to battle me for the 2 precious hours I had with him before it was time to get ready for bed and start the whole song and dance routine over again the next day. With the news of a new baby on the way, I couldn’t see it getting any better the next year.
Said Patrick Henry, persuading the crowd of Virginians to enter the Revolutionary War.
We seem to be entering Revolutionary times again. There’s so much fuss about what rights we have. American rights, Black, White, Male, Female, those who are confused somewhere in the middle, we all have rights, right? We all say we want this thing called Freedom. Liberty. Rights. But what does Freedom really mean anyway? And what does it really look like?
I remember on the weekend visits with my dad, he would say he was still trying to figure out what he wanted to be when he grew up. To my young adult brain, he seemed already grown up. In fact, if he wasn’t grown up, who is?
Back in school, I wanted to grow up to be a vet. That is, until I learned how many years of college it took and that they had to put animals down at times. Never mind! I was told in school that I could be anything I wanted to be. The sky’s the limit. Dream. Then go after them.
I did. It didn’t work…as I planned it would, so I stopped. “What do you dream about,” whispered the Lord one day while I was on a walk.Continue reading →
It’s not easy to be a disciple of Jesus. Sometimes I don’t understand what He’s saying to me. Sometimes I hear, but I don’t want to listen and I don’t want to follow through.
Sometimes I wish that because I’m the King’s daughter, I could have a specially stamped ticket to quickly grant me a pass around difficulties and trials.
“’Cuse me, I’m with Jesus.”
“Yes, ma’am, right this way…CLEAR OUT!”
But that’s not what my Jesus is. He’s not a good luck charm. He’s life.
Julie Steck 