When It Feels Like I’m Not Enough

Well, it’s Day 24 of me writing everyday! Are you tired of hearing from me? Wait…don’t answer that, I’d rather assume you’re loving it! 🙂

Today as I write is Friday. I’m tired. I keep trying to muster up more energy, thinking my want to will finally get the idea and kick in. But it’s 2:30 now and that hasn’t happened yet.

Earlier I tried to lay down on the couch and rest, but I was interrupted three times within a 30 minute period by my daughter who sounded like a caterpillar with elephant feet doing cartwheels across the hardwood floor.

Why am I home-schooling again Lord? I have been so grumpy today. I’m sure teachers are never grumpy. Wouldn’t it be better for my kids to be with them? Then I would have time to rest and be happy when they get home.

OK, I know teachers get grumpy too – it’s kinda a part of life! But some days, like today, I’m tired and need a break from being mom! This mom thing is hard. It’s everyday…when I’m in a good mood and when I’m not. Some days are incredible and some days are totally exhausting.

Some days I get it right. I comfort the hurts, prosecute the guilty, offer forgiveness, empathize with the victim, compassionately clean up the mess, and let go of what I can’t change right now. And other days, well, I don’t! I ignore the hurting, fuss at the one trying their best, bathe in bitterness, complain about all I have to do and demand my needs be met.

During this conversation with the Lord, my husband called and interrupted my thoughts. He’d been over at my Papa’s house while some folks installed new carpet. He needed to get back to the office so he called me to come over there and take his place.

Great, I thought. I was just about to go run some errands. But now, instead I have to go… AND SIT IN A RECLINER BY MYSELF! THE KIDS CAN STAY HERE AND I’LL BRING MY NOTEBOOK, BIBLE AND A PEN AND… WRITE! Oh my goodness, Lord, you do see me!

I just have to adjust to His angle at times.

Even with this blessing of quiet time for me, I felt guilty for not having something equally as exciting for my kids to do while I was gone. I struggle with thinking I’m in charge of entertaining my children all the time. I mean isn’t that what’s expected of home-schoolers? That I should always have constructive things lined out for them to do, or friends scheduled to come over?

Today has not been exciting. In fact, it has been extremely ordinary. And that’s OK because I know this is where I’m supposed to be. And if this is where I’m supposed to be then what I have to do to maintain sanity is OK.

So right now I’m listening to carpet installers hammering the tack strip down on the concrete foundation and I’m writing while my children are a few houses away, locked safely inside. Maybe they’re playing games and getting along… or maybe they aren’t.

During this quiet time (minus the hammering…) I read Psalm 33:16-22 and want to share it with you:

No king is saved by the size of his army; no warrior escapes by his great strength. A horse is a vain hope for deliverance; despite all its great strength it cannot save. But the eyes of the Lord are on those who fear him, on those whose hope is in his unfailing love, to deliver them from death and keep them alive in famine. We wait in hope for the Lord; he is our help and our shield. In him our hearts rejoice, for we trust in his holy name. May your unfailing love rest upon us, O Lord, even as we put our hope in you.

I love the phrase, the horse is a vain hope for deliverance  Man oh man, honestly I want to say, Lord, it sure helps! How do you win a battle without horses? Yet isn’t that just the God we serve? He is the same God that told Gideon he had too many men to fight with when the number he started with was half the number of his enemy!

God said to Gideon, “The people with you are too many for me to give the Midianites into their hand, lest Israel boast over me saying ‘My own hand has saved me.’ The Lord said to Gideon, “With the 300 men who lapped I will save you and give the Midianites into your hand. (Judges 7:2, 7)

Did Gideon feel equipped for this task? No! He said to the Lord, “Please Lord, how can I save Israel? Behold, my clan is the weakest in Manasseh and I am the least in my father’s house. And the Lord said, “But I will be with you and you shall strike the Midianites as one man.” (Judges 6:15-16)

Gideon hoped in the Lord, not in his horses or his own strength. He couldn’t! He didn’t have either or those on his own.

Do you feel like Gideon- charged with a task you’re unequipped to do? Ever feel like you’re the weakest person for the job yet God has called you to do it? Yes, me too! Remember, God says we are not saved by the size of our army and a horse is a vain hope for deliverance. The Lord himself will be with us. He will train our hands for this battle of home-schooling and equip us to teach our children! And He will gain all the glory through it!

Father, thank you for this story of your mighty strength and deliverance. It’s easy to feel like we aren’t enough to meet the demands of our day. But you say we are enough – through YOU. Thank you. Empower us to do your will Father. In Jesus name, Amen.

As the deer pants for streams of water, so my soul pants for you, O God. My soul thirsts for God, for the living God. When can I go and meet with God- Why are you downcast, O my soul- Why so disturbed within m (1).png


This post is apart of a series called 31 stories of hope for every homeschooler. To see the entire series, click HERE.

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6 thoughts on “When It Feels Like I’m Not Enough

  1. Michelle says:

    I love that psalm! Some very good reminders in it. And I truly love be with my kids the hardest part is how constant it is. It’s amazing what a diffetence having a break does!

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  2. Alicia Moser says:

    Thank you for writing Julie! You are speaking right to my heart girl. I had these exact thoughts yesterday. I was grumpy and the kids were fighting (somehow these go hand and hand) school got finished but man did I think how much easier it would be to send them to school! What in the world am I doing? I could check my list off and have a clean house and maybe some chocolate chip cookies waiting for them when they got home if they went to school! I would be a happy mom! Right?! Then 5:30 came and everyone was hungry and the baby was crying and I realized that even if they go to school they won’t be there at dinner time and motherhood is just hard. We have great days and we have really hard days and that’s not going to change depending on which way we choose to school.

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    • juliesteck says:

      YES! Alicia you are so right…and that’s such a great perspective. Life will never be perfect. Motherhood and homeschooling is just hard and it’s OK! God will sustain us and there will be good days too.

      Like

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