Sometimes I Want to Quit

It happens every time I take a break.

I want to quit.

I want to quit homeschooling.

And this Christmas holiday was no different. There’s something about unplugging that makes me realize how run down I was before. I slid into the holidays feeling like Elastigirl from The Incredibles – stretched thin on all sides while playing the superhero and preventing anything or anyone from hitting the ground.

I usually keep everyone else together while afterwards, I curl up in a ball and lock myself away in a dark room dreading the idea of going back to reality now that I know what peace and sanity feel like.

In times like this, I always place the blame at the feet of homeschooling, because obviously it takes up the biggest chunk of time and energy. It must be to blame!

I start thinking of all the other activities and jobs I could do if I didn’t homeschool. I compare that Julie to the one in the mirror and think This can’t be God’s plan for me. I must have mis-heard.

So I go back to the times I believe God spoke to me about homeschooling. The scripture. The conversations. The life circumstances He used to say This is My plan for you.

I walked back down those roads many mornings recently crying out, Lord, why have you called me to this? It feels like too much to bear. I feel pulled in 20 different directions and feel like I need to be good at all of them. How do I do it and stay healthy?

This calling of homeschool isn’t based on fear. I’m not afraid of sending my kids to public school. I don’t think the Lord would abandon me or them if we chose a different education method. I know the Lord would still work in their life and mine.

In fact, if it were up to me, I would choose public or private school. And that’s what I’ve told the Lord – Lord, if it’s up to me, this is what I would do. But above my comfort level, I want Your best.

Over and over again, the Lord tells me that if I’m asking Him, then homeschooling is His best for me and my children.

So then I wrestle with my flesh and try to convince myself I want His best even though it’s hard and doesn’t feel as good! I go back and forth in my mind surrendering, yielding, then exerting my independence and right to make my own decisions.

I search through the scriptures, trying to find new verses to support my claims, and somehow God keeps showing me the same ones, the same ones He used to call me.

Psalm 139:1-3 “O Lord, you have searched me and you know me. You know when I sit and when I rise. You perceive my thoughts from afar. You discern my going out and my lying down; you are familiar with all my ways.”

Isaiah 41:13 “For I am the Lord, your God, who takes hold of your right hand and says to you, ‘Do not fear; I will help you.’”

Ephesians 3:16 “I pray that out of His glorious riches He may strengthen you with power through His spirit in your inner being…”

I want to stop a minute and say how sweet and gracious our God is. Every time I come to Him struggling like this, and confess my bare self to Him, He doesn’t beat me up. He doesn’t recount all the times I’ve come to Him and say Julie when will you get it and shut up? He never says Stop bothering me. I’ve given you my answer now deal with it!

He deals so graciously and gently with me – something I just don’t deserve. He answers my questions and gives me the space I need to process them.

I share all this with you to ask: What’s your “homeschooling?” What’s the thing in your life you’ve tried to pray away, or you’ve asked God to make easier? What feels too heavy to carry yet when you pray about it, the Lord tells you to stay where you are and trust He’s working in the background?

Whatever it is, I encourage you…Jesus is the One person you can be real with. Tell Him how you feel like quitting. Then listen and see where He leads you and bank all you have on what He says.

_i will send out an army to find you in the middle of the darkest night. it's true. i will rescue you.

Thanks for reading! I love sharing my life journeys on this site. If you know someone who could use encouragement, I hope you’ll share these words.

~Julie

 

 

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