My “Grief Observed”

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Yesterday was the first day in 10 that I haven’t cried. Today is the first day in just as many that I actually put mascara on. Why put something on that will just drain down your face?!

It’s interesting to me how our brain processes. Every day is different. C.S. Lewis says in his book A Grief Observed, “Grief is like a long valley, a winding valley where any bend may reveal a totally new landscape.”

I see new landscapes each day, some more beautiful than the day before and some not so beautiful. Every night, my brain sorts and files the days information, trying to process this brick of grief. It puts all the day’s events and thoughts and emotions in a manila folder, slaps a label on it and files it away under the corresponding heading. I tend to wake up feeling better each morning, but as the morning turns to afternoon, the grief looms over me again.

I’ve heard it said death is like an amputation and I would agree. It seems to be after lunch I notice this gaping hole where a leg used to be.

Life just isn’t the same. Papa used to live next door to me and call me daily about silly things like how to work the microwave. My kids used to ask continuously to go to his house and play in the shop or fish at the lake. My dog would even run to his front porch if he happened to escape out the front door. I blocked off certain days from our schedule so we could spend time with him.

Now there’s just this void. I can’t believe he isn’t here for me to share this life with anymore.

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What Does 2017 Hold?

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Dorothy was right…there is no place like home. We left for Arkansas on Christmas Day, visiting my parents and celebrating Christmas in Silver Dollar City and didn’t return home until New Year’s Eve. I actually want to unpack my suitcases, restock my kitchen and vacuum up the dirt tracked in on my floors. I’m even ready to think about school starting back up and I’m soooo thankful to sleep in my bed, with all my pillows next to my husband!

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Ringing in the New Year causes me to be nostalgic. (OK, really anything can cause me to be nostalgic, but especially when the calendar turns January 1st.) I think back to highlights and unfortunately low lights of 2016 and recall the lessons God taught me through them. Then I try to peer through the misty windows towards what’s ahead in 2017. I know God doesn’t see time like I do, so I try to align myself to His timetable.

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Living Peacefully in a Land of I-Should-Be-Doing

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Last week was weird. It was our first week off of school and I scheduled to visit a list of friends we hadn’t seen in awhile. Two of them have new babies, which made it extra exciting to visit! But by Tuesday, my daughter was suffering from a sinus cold and by Wednesday, my stomach felt knives were digesting my food. Neither of which is appropriate to take among newborns!

So instead of hustling merrily around spreading Christmas joy, we were all stuck in the house. The cold, dreary weather outside merely mimicked my feelings and offered no motivation to do otherwise.

I easily said yes to my children’s petition to watch TV shows and movies. We may or may not have watched The Parent Trap and Fiddler on the Roof both in one day. Even after the kids went to bed, Adam and I perused Netflix and watched more Longmire episodes than I care to admit.

By Friday, I felt guilty for all my slothful indulgence, thinking about all the tasks gone undone.

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How Do We Deal with Haunting Memories?

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I know it’s been quiet on this site lately. With school ending and the holidays beginning, I’ve propelled myself into the “spirit” by immersing myself in projects. That’s immersing, not burying!

I’ve crocheted boot cuffs till my giant ball of yarn dwindled to a tiny skeleton. I’ve made dish cloths, headbands and bows, cooked Reese’s peanut butter cupcakes, hot crackers and ginger-cinnamon chex mix.

In between all the crafting activity we also visited some family for the first time in their new house! We flicked our wrists at some bowling – which Adam won – and twisted our ankles at some ice skating. We huddled, shivering, around the gargantuan Christmas tree in the middle of town.

The holidays are here…ready or not!

I’ve written, but kept it all hidden away in my journal, mostly because I haven’t been ready to part with it yet. I’m as ready to share it now as I am for Christmas Day, but it’s the hope that my words will reach out a hand and help someone up that I share. I know there’s someone else who struggles with haunting memories around the holidays and I want to share the Source of freedom that I’ve found.

This time of year stirs up a whole lot of jumbled up emotions and memories for me. I am deeply nostalgic. Smells, songs, food, a certain color shirt, driving down a certain road can recall those memories in an instant. I remember someone I was talking to, what I was wearing, what I was thinking when I wore that shirt and instantly it’s as if I was there again. Sometimes this can make me smile like when I remember all the Christmases with my grandparents, but sometimes the memories also evoke shame.

It was this time of year when the struggle I share about in my book began. I’ve been awake at night recently remembering what it was like when I needed to talk to my husband…about something I really didn’t want to talk to him about. I remember driving down the road, this conversation burning in my gut, and praying God would give me words and the right opportunity to share them. I remember feeling guilty, condemned and ashamed of myself.

A couple weeks ago I was still awake at 2:00 in the morning remembering how a few years ago I was awake at the same hour because I had something on my mind that wouldn’t go away. I knew I needed to talk to Adam about it, but again I didn’t want to.

So I would wait as long as I could stand it, hoping the thoughts would dissipate into thin air. I remember how my heart would race, kicking adrenaline in my system and preventing any hope of immediate sleep. I never wanted to wake Adam up, so I would just lay there, with a conversation BURNING in my throat.

Then suddenly Adam would cough or turn over. It was like he knew I was struggling. I’d touch him and whisper if he was awake. And there, beneath a canopy of darkness, with tears streaming down my face I would unload the ugliness that plagued me. He would listen and hold me, pray for me and tell me he loved me and then hold me some more. Only then could I drift off to peaceful sleep.

A few years later, when Thanksgiving and Christmas rolled around again, I would fear going back to that place. The memory of those sleepless nights and the conversations I needed to have made my palms sweat. I would do anything to NOT have to clean out that trunk again.

This year I’m not afraid of going back there again, I just remember what it was like. And because the memory is so vivid, maybe there’s someone else who needs to hear my story.

So in honor of that, I’m discounting my book. Starting today and running through December 21st, you can download my book through Amazon for only $.99!! Or purchase a paper back copy through me for only $5. 

NO MORE SECRETS FINAL WEDITS

And for anyone willing to help me share this exciting news, you can enter to win this beautiful necklace from Chelsey Alyse. She does beautiful, custom metal work on all her jewelry and I will draw one winner to receive this necklace on December 22.

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To enter the giveaway, simply do one of the following.

  1. If you’ve already read my book, leave a comment below on how the book impacted you. What did you take away from reading my story and why should others take time to read?
  2. Share either this post or my Amazon link with your friends via social media, email or text. Be sure and include (tag) me so I can enter your name in the drawing.
  3. Finally, buy the book! Send me an email or Facebook message letting me know you’ve purchased your copy.

*One entry per person (although you’re welcome to do all 3!)

*Must be 18 years old to participate

* Winner will be announced Thursday, December 22.

Thank you so much. I pray that through my story, you can find freedom from the memories that haunt you. May you have a Merry Christmas!

 

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An Arrival to Remember

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It’s November 29. The Christmas season is upon us, ready or not.

I love the Christmas lights hug on my tree. I love the lights that glow in the streets at dark. I love the smell of Wassail in my kitchen and hot chocolate stained cups in my sink. I love hearing O Come Let Us Adore Him on the radio and feeling my favorite sweater on my skin. I love being with my friends and family, sharing gifts and catching up on life.

But with all the ads and commercials on screens everywhere about how to make this Christmas unforgettable, it’s hard to keep my focus on the reason for the season – the birth of a Savior.

Last year I shared a post about what advent looks like for us. After starting and feeling guilty for never finishing advent calendars over the years, I came up with this simple idea and it has helped me stay focused on my Savior during the holidays.

I wanted to re-share this with you today and hope that you will join me in leading our children to focus and anticipate the arrival of Christ this Christmas! For that is what Advent really means.

To see last year’s post, click HERE.

Or, click the links below

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advent (pictures)

And if you haven’t  noticed, I’ve done some rearranging on my site! You can take a look at my home page, or my homeschool resources or projects page and I hope you’ll come back for ideas about living life creative.

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How Do We Unite?

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Last night I had a crazy, awful dream that my oldest son Caleb died in my arms. He had been sick and while I was holding him he breathed his last. In agony I wept and wailed aloud, asking Jesus to restore him to life. “Please, Lord, please bring Caleb back to life.”

When I opened my eyes, I saw Caleb’s eyes open and roll around the room as if totally confused about where he was. He was alive!

I’ve pondered this dream all morning long. While I was doing my morning chores the song titled Forever by Kari Jobe played on my phone. The words struck a chord within me and caused my spirit to worship. The words say, “The ground began to shake, the stone was rolled away, His perfect love could not be overcome. Oh death, where is your sting? Our resurrected King has rendered you defeated!! Forever He is glorified. Forever He is lifted High. Forever He is risen, He is alive….He is alive!!”

That’s when it hit me. That is the message of the gospel. My dream is what Jesus has done for us – for me. I was dead. My ugliness and sin separated me from God, but when I called out to Him, He saved me. He reached down from on high and took hold of me. He drew me out of murky waters and restored me back to life.

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Normal is Only a Setting on the Dryer

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Well, here we are: October 31. For 31 days I have pulled back the curtain to what really goes on in our home and shared with all of you my homeschooling story. I have searched for hope and found it anchored and secured firmly to Jesus. Life on earth may be scary at times, the waves of worry and doubt crashing over us, but even then “our anchor holds within the veil.”

I think so many of my frustrations can be traced back to unmet expectations. I’ve heard that 80% of expectations are assumed and never voiced. Which means that of the 100 things I envision happening, I expect 80 of them to run seamlessly without even telling them to. And maybe 20 of those things actually work. Ever heard of the 80/20 rule?

I have so many expectations on myself as the homeschool mom. In my head, I see our school days executed without a hitch. I see plenty of time for afternoon walks, meeting with friends, filling my journal with well worded thoughts and inspirations. I see us gathered at the lunch table discussing Columbus and World War II.

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Hope Does Not Disappoint

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Today I just want to share a verse with you. I hope you won’t just skim over the words but will actually unpack what it says and pray for God to show you how to apply them.

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This past week I went to the Holocaust Museum in Dallas, Texas with my oldest son. The stories of that time period is what I thought about when I read the word suffering. I think of people like Corrie Ten Boom who endured suffering beyond what I can imagine. In her story, The Hiding Place, I see a beautiful example of suffering that produced perseverance, character and hope.

Corrie and her sister prayed for the guards and soldiers that mistreated them. They gave thanks for the lice in their barrack because they were able to read the Word of God without the guards coming in. They endured beatings, food rations, and the death of family members. In the end, Corrie tells the story of how she forgave those who persecuted her. I see her as a person who truly rejoiced in her sufferings because she had hope in God that He “has poured out his love into [her] heart by the Holy Spirit.”

Her story inspires me because I don’t like suffering. In fact, I try to avoid it at all cost. But God doesn’t always choose to take the suffering away from me because through it I am refined and He is glorified.

My Papa is famous for a firm handshake. In fact, even now he could still crush my hand. He has hands the size of the Hulk and has made men cower down for as long as I can remember. People always wonder what he did to have hands so strong. He didn’t just wake up one day with strong hands. He used his hands all the time. He was a master wood worker and used those hands to hold heavy materials and operate equipment.

He remembered people by their handshake and it bothered him when someone gave him a wet noodle handshake. That is exactly the image that comes to mind when I think of rejoicing in suffering. Without sufferings I’m like a wet noodle handshake that no one wants to handle. Through difficulties and hardships, that handshake is made firm so that anyone who shakes my hand afterwards remembers the strength that came from it.

I’ve shared over the past 30 days of my hardships in homeschooling. They are nothing when compared to the atrocities of the Holocaust, but they have been difficulties for me. I believe that through those, God is developing my perseverance, which grows my character and solidifies my hope in Him.

Are you facing struggles today? Will you choose to rejoice in them and allow God to strengthen you through them?

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This post is part of a series called 31 stories of hope for every homeschooler. To see the entire series, click HERE.

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Eager to Do What is Good

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I started writing one verse and then couldn’t stop! “These are the very things you should teach…” YES!! This is what we should teach to our children as homeschoolers. Friends, don’t grow weary in doing good. You are doing a good work. Keep it up!

And also, what great verses to read before the upcoming election. No matter who our President is, God and His Word and His command to us is still the same! Enjoy the weekend.

Permission to Rest, Granted

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A few weekends ago my mom and I led a ladies retreat. Even though I spent many days and hours preparing for my sessions, the weekend turned out to be a sweet time of fellowship for me. But by Tuesday I crashed and couldn’t move.

I ate breakfast on the couch and when Zach woke up, he came and snuggled up beside me, pulling the covers tight around his neck. I couldn’t get up, even when I needed to wash out my smoothie cup…and brush my teeth for that matter.

Finally, Zach wanted breakfast. I almost joined him in the kitchen but then, Mackenzie ran in to get a turn of snuggling with Mom on the couch  – it’s a rarity, that I sit for that long! I told Mackenzie to hold on a minute while I go to the bathroom and brush my teeth.

In the bathroom, I held my toothbrush and started to unscrew the cap on the toothpaste when the thought hit me… Mackenzie doesn’t care if my teeth are brushed! If I brush my teeth, then I’ll have to get dressed, and then make my bed, and then check Facebook…I just want to go lay on the couch with my daughter!

And I did. Stinky breath and all.

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