Zach, holding back tears shuffled into my room.
“Mom, my marble thing fell down.”
This masterpiece he and his big brother worked on for hours to look exactly like the picture on the box had crumbled to the floor.
I pulled him close and almost cried with him, for that’s just how I felt too. Like it just all fell down. This tower I had planned and build just right…came crashing down.
The winds of change have swept through my house and ushered in a brand new season. Transition is hard for me. I save reading the last chapter in a book for weeks, not wanting the story to end.
Closing a chapter of life is even harder. Thankfully, God knows me and ushers in these new seasons – change – gently. But still, when it comes, it leaves me feeling bare and realizing how little control I really have on my life.
For 31 days in October, the icy winds of change loosened my grip on what I held tightly to. I told the Lord I was tired of thinking I controlled my life. From sun up to sun down, I felt like I controlled most of what went on in my house. I let it all go and proclaimed Him ultimate authority over my days, months and years.
For a while, nothing changed. Although I felt the uncanny calm before a storm. Then it hit – my Papa going to the hospital by ambulance. After a week, he miraculously regained his strength, but life would not return to normal.
As we juggled what that new normal looked like, a realization washed over me in the shower one night. For this is where all great revelations originate.
The new room…
The recent struggles with homeschooling….
That feeling something’s coming….
He has to come here. Yes. We need to move Papa here.
And if we do that, I cannot homeschool. I just can’t. There isn’t enough of me. I would crack wide open with the weight of too much responsibility.
As I watched the water swirl around the drain, my dreams of what that room would be drained with it. We had fashioned the room in a way to sleep guests comfortably. But I more had in mind Josh and Maggie staying with us a few nights on their next furlough.
We built that room to be my saving grace for homeschooling. It would be home for all the books and supplies, a quiet room for my oldest and a secluded haven with a door for me when I wanted to get away!
And now, it was changing.
Adam was asleep when I got out of the shower, so my revelation had to wait till the morning to share. I dreamed of it all night long, wrestling with my own fears and letting God have His way in me.
The next day, I laid it all out. We kicked around every other idea, but to no avail. Finally, we just had to make a decision. Some decisions come from a clear line of right and wrong, disobedience or obedience. This was not. This was made with scrap wood left over from a building project. There were no best case scenarios here.
Fear of making a wrong decision and permanently screwing up my family screamed in my ear. I had to trust that God ordained these circumstances. This had not happened by chance.
As I told my daughter, this wasn’t a permission slip laid on God’s desk that He checked Yes to. I have to believe He orchestrated this like a Maestro. He has arranged every note and placed them on the lines to form a beautiful symphony. His arrangements always work out, even when they’re hard. He weaves His Redemption through these tough decisions.
One day as I was bringing in Papa’s furniture into our house, I looked over at my rose bushes. They were blooming! There were more blooms bursting forth in December than there had been in June. I knelt down and drank in their deep, sweet, scent, desperate for myself to flower even when everything around me looks bare.
I thought of the verse about blooming in season and felt the sweetness of the Lord’s presence hover near me as I stood on the cold sidewalk.
When I let go of control and trust Him in all circumstances, I can bloom in every season, even winter.
To reiterate that point even more, later on that day, I looked up to the sky and saw the moon out at midday. It was a half moon. Sometimes, like that half-moon, there are things going on that I don’t see. But in time, the shadows will shift and more will be revealed.
I have homeschooled my babies for 7 years. I have loved every minute of it – except, of course, for the ones I didn’t. I will miss singing the timeline song and tromping through the wilderness behind Lewis and Clark in our books.
Tomorrow, my life changes…tomorrow! But I am trusting Him. Even if my tower falls to the ground – again – it will be OK. As I told Zach, we can always re-build it. It may never look the same, but it will still work!
I plan to continue writing this journey of my life. Writing breathes life into my soul. It helps me unkink this slinky of life that I often get handed. I hope you’ll continue to follow along. If you haven’t, please sign up below to receive posts by email!
Feature Image Photo credit