Well, here we are: October 31. For 31 days I have pulled back the curtain to what really goes on in our home and shared with all of you my homeschooling story. I have searched for hope and found it anchored and secured firmly to Jesus. Life on earth may be scary at times, the waves of worry and doubt crashing over us, but even then “our anchor holds within the veil.”

I think so many of my frustrations can be traced back to unmet expectations. I’ve heard that 80% of expectations are assumed and never voiced. Which means that of the 100 things I envision happening, I expect 80 of them to run seamlessly without even telling them to. And maybe 20 of those things actually work. Ever heard of the 80/20 rule?

I have so many expectations on myself as the homeschool mom. In my head, I see our school days executed without a hitch. I see plenty of time for afternoon walks, meeting with friends, filling my journal with well worded thoughts and inspirations. I see us gathered at the lunch table discussing Columbus and World War II.

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A few weekends ago my mom and I led a ladies retreat. Even though I spent many days and hours preparing for my sessions, the weekend turned out to be a sweet time of fellowship for me. But by Tuesday I crashed and couldn’t move.

I ate breakfast on the couch and when Zach woke up, he came and snuggled up beside me, pulling the covers tight around his neck. I couldn’t get up, even when I needed to wash out my smoothie cup…and brush my teeth for that matter.

Finally, Zach wanted breakfast. I almost joined him in the kitchen but then, Mackenzie ran in to get a turn of snuggling with Mom on the couch  – it’s a rarity, that I sit for that long! I told Mackenzie to hold on a minute while I go to the bathroom and brush my teeth.

In the bathroom, I held my toothbrush and started to unscrew the cap on the toothpaste when the thought hit me… Mackenzie doesn’t care if my teeth are brushed! If I brush my teeth, then I’ll have to get dressed, and then make my bed, and then check Facebook…I just want to go lay on the couch with my daughter!

And I did. Stinky breath and all.

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Dear Homeschooling,

I left you today. This arrangement just isn’t working out. You are loud and constant and I feel I am unable to handle the stress and responsibility of you.

I went to play a math game with my daughter and it drove me to tears. Why? Because I feel like a failure. She isn’t where she’s technically supposed to be.

I went to a website that everyone’s raving about, clicked on her grade and our math book is no where near those problems. Which makes me think I’m failing at you.

Unable to defend myself against the onslaught of despair I fled to my bedroom and cried into an innocent shirt draped over the cushion of my couch. I let it all out and that’s when I left you. Again.

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“Mom what’s wrong?”

“Mom, what’s the matter?”

I must have heard that question from each of my kids atleast three times a piece during our morning school time.

“Nothing,” I continually replied, not trying to lie, but not knowing how to put my feelings into words.

All I knew was, I was cracking…again. Tears were welling up, about to break, but I desperately tried to hold it together. Obviously, I was doing a terrible job.

I don’t know why I was about to lose it. It just felt like the amount of school work kept building and my supply of energy to fulfill that school work was waning in the opposite direction.

My stomach was in a knot and my thoughts were saying, honestly, I hate homeschooling right now!

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“Mom!” my kids said in unison. “Look to your left and roll down your window!”

I had just pulled into the parking lot of my daughter’s gymnastics class and lo and behold a friend I hadn’t seen in a while pulled up beside me.

We laughed and hugged, oohed and aahed over how big the kids are growing before we moseyed our way inside.

Just as I was opening the door, another friend pulled up and we repeated the process, discussing who all is in gymnastics and how they’re doing. We had taken a break when the world turned upside down but we were glad to be back.

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Well, it’s Day 24 of me writing everyday! Are you tired of hearing from me? Wait…don’t answer that, I’d rather assume you’re loving it! 🙂

Today as I write is Friday. I’m tired. I keep trying to muster up more energy, thinking my want to will finally get the idea and kick in. But it’s 2:30 now and that hasn’t happened yet.

Earlier I tried to lay down on the couch and rest, but I was interrupted three times within a 30 minute period by my daughter who sounded like a caterpillar with elephant feet doing cartwheels across the hardwood floor.

Why am I home-schooling again Lord? I have been so grumpy today. I’m sure teachers are never grumpy. Wouldn’t it be better for my kids to be with them? Then I would have time to rest and be happy when they get home.

OK, I know teachers get grumpy too – it’s kinda a part of life! But some days, like today, I’m tired and need a break from being mom! This mom thing is hard. It’s everyday…when I’m in a good mood and when I’m not. Some days are incredible and some days are totally exhausting.

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As I drove home from dropping my oldest son off at youth group, I used the quiet time to pray for God to show me how to home-school my daughter. This girl is our bouncy, talkative, middle child who cannot stop doing cartwheels or singing. She’s picked out her own clothes to wear since she was 3, and consistently converses with the cashiers at Walmart.

She is the cutest ladybug in the world to me and has a heart of gold and a bed of blankets for any lost puppy on the block. She thinks outside of the box, beyond the horizon and often in Odyssey, thanks to Focus on the Family.

The trouble with this kind of thinking is it’s too big to fit in a classroom or on a math page. She sees pictures instead of the letters that make up words, so phonics was horrendous. Memorizing math facts doesn’t stick unless there’s movement involved and reading a science book filled with “amazing facts” might as well be in Latin.

I’m excited to be sharing the rest of today’s story over at the Classical Conversations website!

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